Vaginismus: it's not your fault, and you're not alone

Inès is a fictional character, inspired by what so many women confide in us.

Inès has tucked the box of tampons away at the very back of a drawer, where no one will see it. She stopped trying a long time ago. She has also found a thousand excuses to put off her appointment with the gynecologist: too much work, not the right time, maybe next month.

Tonight, her husband fell asleep without saying a word. She stares at the ceiling. She thinks back over everything: the pain, the body that shuts like a wall, the tears she holds back so as not to spoil the mood. And that sentence that keeps looping, more painful than all the rest: “What is wrong with me?”

Nothing is wrong with you. If you recognize yourself in this story, this article is for you. What you are going through has a name, vaginismus, it is far more common than people think, and there are ways to move forward, at your own pace. If you are looking for step-by-step support, our e-book Renaître en Douceur (“Gentle Rebirth”) offers a 30-day program designed for you.

Vaginismus at a glance

Vaginismus is an involuntary contraction of the muscles at the entrance of the vagina. It happens whenever penetration is approached: intercourse, a tampon, a menstrual cup, a gynecological exam. It makes penetration painful, difficult, or even impossible. It is not a choice, a lack of willpower, or a lack of love.

The brain sounds the alarm, the body obeys

Vaginismus is a condition of psychological origin: it all begins in the brain. It perceives penetration as a danger, even if you know, rationally, that there is no risk. It then sends a signal to the body: “Protect yourself.” The muscles tighten, everything locks, and you cannot decide otherwise.

It is like blinking when something comes close to your face. You cannot help it, and no one would blame you for it.

This mechanism is not crazy. It has learned to protect you, sometimes because of a fear, a pain, a shock, or beliefs absorbed very early on. Understanding it is already a first step toward loosening its grip. To learn more, you can read our articles What is vaginismus? and How do I know if I have vaginismus? (both in French).

Important: a doctor or gynecologist should always rule out a physical cause (infection, scarring, endometriosis, dryness…) before any kind of support is considered.

Primary and secondary vaginismus: two different journeys

• Primary vaginismus has been present since the very first attempts: penetration has never been possible without pain. It is often linked to fears that took root very early. For some women, a trauma or an experience of violence may be part of the picture, but this is not always the case.
• Secondary vaginismus appears after a period when everything went well, for example after childbirth, an infection, a painful experience, or a period of intense stress. It is often maintained by fear of pain, false beliefs and preconceived ideas, and it can be somewhat quicker to ease.

Every story is unique. If you have experienced trauma, you can talk about it with a psychologist or a sex therapist trained in these issues. You have nothing to justify.

Why you blame yourself so much

Women living with vaginismus often carry an enormous weight that has nothing to do with physical pain.

You compare yourself to others. You tell yourself that “everyone else manages, except me.” You are ashamed to talk about it, even with your friends. You are afraid of disappointing, afraid of being seen as cold, closed off, “not normal.” And by blaming yourself, you add pressure to a body that is already afraid.

That is the trap: guilt reinforces the tension. The more you blame yourself, the more the brain stays on alert.

If you remember only one thing: you do not choose this reflex, and you have nothing to forgive yourself for. Try telling yourself, with the same gentleness you would show a friend: “My body is afraid. It is not my enemy. I have the right to move forward slowly.”

Vaginismus and relationships: when misunderstanding sets in

Vaginismus never affects just one person: it runs through the couple.

There are the unspoken things, the avoided intimacy, the silence that settles in. There is the fear of hurting the other, or of being hurt by their disappointment. Some partners are patient, tender and reassuring. Others, at times, lose patience, feel rejected or simply do not understand. They may say hurtful things, or withdraw themselves. And you blame yourself a second time: for being in pain, and for “depriving” the other.

You have the right not to feel comfortable with your partner's pace. No one should ask you to endure pain to please them, and patience is not measured in months. A partner who loves you learns to understand, not to demand.

A few ways to start the conversation:

• Choose a calm moment, outside the bedroom and away from an argument.
• Explain what is happening in your body: an involuntary reflex, not a refusal.
• Tell them what you need: time, tenderness, no pressure.
• Invite them to learn more with you, or to come with you to see a professional.
• Rediscover intimacy differently: caresses, massages, cuddles and play all count, and intimacy is not limited to penetration.

And if you are her partner: your role is not to “fix” her, to push, or to judge. It is to be there, to listen and to make the path lighter.

Vaginismus and motherhood: yes, it is possible

Many women with vaginismus worry that they will never be able to become mothers. Vaginismus does not make you infertile and does not prevent you from having children. It may simply make certain steps more delicate, such as a gynecological exam or conception. Talk to your doctor, gynecologist or midwife: they will be able to support you gently.

Moving forward gently: you do not have to do it alone

There is no single solution. The path is often gradual and combines several kinds of support:

• A doctor or gynecologist, to rule out any physical cause.
• A sex therapist or psychologist, to work on fears, blockages and your own story.
• A specialized physiotherapist or midwife, to learn to feel and release the pelvic floor.
• An osteopath, to ease tension in the pelvis and abdomen.
• Breathing, which calms the nervous system and helps the body relax. A few minutes a day can already change a lot.

Step-by-step support with Renaître en Douceur

When you feel lost, having a direction is reassuring. That is why we created the e-book Renaître en Douceur: a 30-day program with ideas, tips, advice and a protocol to follow at your own pace, to support you along the way. It does not replace medical follow-up, but it can give you a guiding thread, day after day.

To go further, our vaginismus kit – Rituel Douceur & Confiance brings together the essentials.

Little everyday allies

At Secrets de Geishaa, we are not doctors, and we do not promise any cure. But we can support you with gentle tools, designed for comfort and confidence:

• Comfort and lubrication. Good lubrication makes a real difference. Discover our cannabis intimate lubricant, our Mixgliss water-based lubricant and our intimate CBD oil, designed for comfort and relaxation.
• Games and accessories. To lighten things up and relax without pressure, there is the 30 Day Romantic Challenge card game, to play as a couple, and the discreet mini vibrator, to get to know your sensations, alone and at your own pace. The silicone dilators are used progressively, ideally with the advice of a healthcare professional.
• Taking back control. Keeping control of the pace, the positions, and what happens is very reassuring: some women feel more confident when they choose the position themselves, for example by being on top of their partner.

All our dedicated products are gathered in the vaginismus collection.

Frequently asked questions

Is vaginismus all in the head?
It is an involuntary reflex triggered by the brain to protect the body. It is psychological in origin, and it is very real and physically felt. It is not imagination, and it is not weakness.

What are the symptoms of vaginismus?
Pain or a feeling of a “wall” during penetration, a tampon that is impossible to use, intense apprehension before intercourse or a gynecological exam, tension in the thighs or abdomen. Only a healthcare professional can make a diagnosis.

Is vaginismus common?
It is probably more widespread than people think, but many women do not talk about it. You are not alone.

Can you have vaginismus and have children?
Yes, vaginismus does not prevent motherhood or childbirth. Talk to a healthcare professional to prepare the steps gently.

Can vaginismus improve?
Many women regain real comfort thanks to suitable support. The pace is different for everyone, and there is no race.

How do I talk to my partner about it?
Choose a calm moment, explain that it is an involuntary reflex, and tell them concretely what you need. If they are impatient, a session with a sex therapist can help you come closer together.

When should I see someone?
As soon as the pain or apprehension weighs on you, in your medical exams, your intimacy or your mood. There is no “right time” to wait for.

In conclusion

You are not broken, not cold, not “abnormal.” You are a woman whose body has learned to protect itself, and who has the right to learn something else, gently, with kindness.

One step after another, you can regain confidence in your body and peace in your relationship. Start with the one that feels lightest: breathing, talking about it, booking an appointment, or opening Renaître en Douceur and doing day one of the program. The rest will follow.

This article is for information only and does not replace the advice of a healthcare professional.